Chapter Fourteen

Dumber than Dirt!

As I sat and thought of my trip to Mount St. Helen I brought her back to the eyes of my mind and the eyes of my spirit. It was five o'clock on a cold winter morning and I had just finished my first cup of coffee.

I was in my fantasy mode and as the mountain became clearer and more solid in my senses she began to speak: I'm really disappointed. (the mountain said.) All that "why me?" Crap I heard when you were here. That's really "light weight" stuff. (She added.) I thought you had grown bigger than that.

You sayin' that I'm too small? (My defenses were up and I was ready for a fight!) Nobody tells Clete Gress that he's to small and gets away with it.

No! No! Calm down, I didn't mean that. Boy you’re touchy about that "too small" thing, aren't you? Maybe it’s time you got rid of it!  Get rid of it!  Get rid of it!  That's damned easy for a mountain to say. You've been big all your life. Walk a mile in my shoes Volcano Breath!

Oh Shut up Clete, you're sounding stupid!

Wow, being called stupid by a mountain. That's a laugh. She acts like she's smarter than me. That's like saying that I'm dumber than DIRT! Hey Helen, if your going to be abusive I'll just put you back where I found you.  Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. By the way there are worse things than being dumber than dirt!

Okay, okay lets get back to our conversation. Whoops, just a minute Helen, I've got another call. What? You've got "call waiting" on your fantasies? Yeah! Its the latest thing. Neat Huh?

And a very small voice said: Cletus, you’re talking to a mountain. Yeah, I know, but at five thirty in the morning there wasn't anybody else.   You ever think of giving me a call. I'm still at the same address you know. Its not like I moved and failed to give a new address or something.

Who is this? Is this my Mother in law?

This is God.   Oh, how come you’re talking like that?    It’s the way I talk, you've got a problem with that?    No, but how come?    This way the only people who can hear me are the ones who don't talk over me. If they would stop all the racket I could be heard real easy. It makes me really unhappy when people talk over me.    Do I do that?    Sometimes.    Oh.    It’s alright.
Why?    You try.    Oh. I could talk real loud if you want me to.    Sure and blow out my eardrums and turn my brain to oatmeal. Don't tempt me. Okay but if you’re really God, how come there wasn't a "ding" before you started to talk?      Answer that one!      Yes Cletus, I'm really God and William Cosby just made the "ding" thing up. I've been stuck with it ever since. Which reminds me I've been meaning to have a little talk with William about that.

God?    Yes.    I'm still confused. Why whisper when you could talk real loud and everyone could hear you?     You haven’t figured that out?     No, it doesn’t make sense.     You keep trying.     How?     Go camping.     Why?     I'll send someone.     Why?     (This one just might be dumber than dirt.)     What, God?     I said I like your shirt.     Oh, thanks, it was a Christmas present.     (Great, My Son has a birthday and he gets a shirt.)  By the way which mountain are you talking to?     Mount St. Helen.     Aw! Helen, she’s one of the good ones. A nasty temper but she's got a lot of fire. She'll set you straight so listen to her, Okay?     Sure, but now that You're here maybe?     Forget it Cletus, I've got bigger fish to fry. I wonder if I can find William without going through his agent. Agents really give me a pain, oh yes, Cletus,-------------- I love you.     I love you too God.

And the room fell silent and the air was filled with an odorless fragrance, the very essence of peace.

“If I could just bottle that”, I thought, as I reached for the other line. I hope I didn't get the "Cos" in trouble!

Hey, Mountain, are you still on hold?      What do you think? And without music, yet!      Take it easy--calm down--remember 1980!      That call had better have been important, leaving me here cooling my vents!      It was God.      Oh! Okay, that’s cool, He really lights my fire! (Hee hee, just a little volcano humor.)

Very little, I'd say. If you're ready to get serious I think you made some nasty insinuations before we were beatifically interrupted.      You think I insinuated? I laid it out plain as day. You were on the "pity pot" on a rock half way up me. You think I didn't hear the sounds of "Woe is me."? Enough to make a mountain barf!

Hey! Take it easy, huh? It’s not easy being disabled! To be kept from doing things, from realizing your full potential.      Ha! That is to laugh! Your full potential indeed. You’re mostly water, man, you have the potential of being a mud puddle!

Hey! I don't have to take this from a pile of rocks. Just because God piled you high doesn't mean you’re better than me. What would you know about disability anyway?      I blew my stack in "80", right? Lost thirteen hundred, that's one thousand and three hundred feet! The whole top of my peak. That was no walk in the park! You might say I'm an amputee!

Yeah, well God said to listen to you so go ahead.      He did? Really? Listen to Helen? Wow!      Are you finished?      Yes.      Then please try to contain yourself and get to the point!

Okay, this book you’re writing, what are you going to do with it?      Have it published, I hope. And----      And what?      Is that the goal?      I guess.      Listen to me Clete, you've been writing it for sixteen years, right?      Yeah.      Plus spending the past thirty-five years gathering all the information. That's a lot of time and work.      Yeah.      Okay, so lets just say that that's the journey, the path, the trail and the publishing is the Top of the Mountain. Sounds good so far.      You learn anything on the trail?      What do you mean?      Learn anything----did you learn anything over the last thirty-five years? When you painted your first picture and nearly bought the farm did it teach you anything or did you stay just as dumb as you were before?      Well, I learned that anxiety, depression and stress were my enemy and they made me weak.      Go on.      And Enthusiasm and Excitement were my friends and they made me strong.      You're on a roll, then what?      I learned how to meditate and fantasizes in the mornings and this made my days better. I learned how to relax and enjoy life.      Well what do you know. The man's maybe just a tad smarter than dirt. What did you do in these fantasies?      What do you mean?      Did you talk to anyone special?      I guess you want me to say that I learned to talk to mountains.      Right? Praise the Lord, it’s like pullin' teeth! Talking to mountains is most important! Most important indeed!      Ego      What?      I didn't say anything.      Talking to mountains is probably the most supersplendatious thing you've ever done.      Oh, brother.      I'm getting a buzzing here. Do we have a good connection? Lets get back to what you've learned. You've got the idea so list them all. Go ahead.

From the little old man I learned that a positive perspective is more important than reality itself. That it’s better to always see the good in others and to risked being wrong, sometimes, and being disappointed, than it is to always see the bad and be disappointed all the time. Fine.      And of coarse I learned the benefits of solitude. The Acorn Mush taught me that we complicate our lives too much and that 2+2 can equal 4 if we really try.      What else?  Did you forget someone?      You mean Steve?  No, I didn't forget but it’s still a little painful.      Learn anything?      Sure. I learned that the most selfish thing we can do is give others our unconditional love.      How's that selfish?      When we put others before ourselves we gain the best prizes. Get the biggest rewards.      Wow! If this ever gets around we'll be overwhelmed with love.      Don't hold your breath.      I guess that does it.

Hey wait! I haven't mentioned the stick shift and rebound yet.      Well now you have. Anything else?      If I think of something I'll let you know.      Do that.

Clete? You know what? I think you've learned more than the average human bean--      being whatever-----learns in a lifetime! Would you say all the things you've learned are important? They saved my life.      They're as precious as life itself then?      Yes.      How many jewels do you think are at the top?      What do you mean?      When you publish what will be the rewards?      The feeling of success, the knowledge that I finished it, that I really accomplished something!      Ego! Costume Jewelry, Worthless, what else?      People will read it and know that I wrote it?      Vanity, also worthless! Try again.      There'll be royalties, I'll get paid. Greed! Disgusting and worse than worthless, its self destructive. You know, Clete, the laborer is worthy of his hire but it isn't exactly a jewel to get paid. You haven't shown me a single Gem.      The book might help someone else. That one's not bad. Is it?      A semi-precious stone. Somewhere between Ego and Love. It'll make you feel good. So now we've gone over the whole trip, what have you learned?      That all the rewards are on the path and not at the top of the mountain.      Good.      And-------that---------uh----------the only failure is the failure to walk the path.      Now you’re getting creative. I don't think I can stand it!      I think I've got all that but what does writing a book have to do with the real thing. Climbing up you is different than writing and there aren't any diamonds on your trails.      Must I lead you by the hand? You said, when you were half way up me, sitting on my outcropping, no, I'll quote you word for word:   "He could see that I was down, and he sensed the magnitude of my disappointment. Dave changed the subject and we discussed how really excellent the coffee tasted and maybe this would be a good place to open a coffee shop. Half way up Mount St. Helen on the side of a glacier. We laughed, relaxed, and talked of everything and nothing. Finally we agreed that this outcropping was really the top of the mountain, and, having achieved our goal, we could go home."      Is that what you said?      Yes.

He worried about you, he changed the subject, you joked and finally felt better?    Yes.    That’s Love, Man! The most precious stone of all! Right on the side of me. On my trail! Ninety percent of the people that made it to the top, that day, would have given their strong legs to be in your boots. And you know what else? There's nothing at the top except the same things when you publish. There's Ego and Vanity and, if you could talk someone into buying your story, there would be Greed and you know what I think of that Garbage! You don't even have the semi-precious stone!

By the way, speaking of money, have you ever tried calling God from a pay Phone?

Clete?      Yes?      I was pretty rough on you back there, wasn't I?      You came down pretty hard with the pity pot stuff.      Sorry.      I think it was the mud puddle thing that hurt the most.      Real sorry.      It’s alright.      Hope I didn't damage your self esteem?      It hurt but my self esteem is intact.  Actually it’s never been higher. In fact its so high I don't deserve it. Huh?      You never know when to quit, do you?      What does that mean?

The coffee's almost gone.      I noticed.

It's almost time for you to go.      Uhuh.

That's the routine.      I know, I sure wouldn't want to mess with your routine. I have to leave, I'm tired. You could wear out a whole range of mountains.

Anyway, you’re a fun date Clete.

Thanks. You too, Helen.

Well I guess its time.

Helen?      Yes.

I love you.      I love you too, Clete.  Bye.

Bye

Would I go back to Mount St. Helen? Yes, I know I will, someday, and whatever progress I make up the trail, I will enjoy every step. If I don't make the top it will be OK. If I do it will be a bonus. I won't go back to conquer her. Just to thank her.

This painting is finished.